I have known the man since I was 14. We were friends. We started dating when I was 21. Well.. Actually I had broken up with someone else and he invited me on a trip as friends to get away, to be honest, it was "friends with benefits". But I had known him a long time and he had been given a trip for 2 in November 2002(?) by his company to the Dominican Republic that was all inclusive and paid for by one of the companies suppliers. We had a great time and decided we were actually dating on the plane ride home. It made for in interesting arrival at customs when we returned to the US. As they do, the rule is one customs agent per family so we were separated. While I was being questioned by the customs agent assigned to me, he asked me what I was doing in DR. I told him I was on vacation with my boyfriend. He asked how long we had been together and I told him a couple weeks. The agent gave me a strange look and said to me "you went to another country with someone you've only known a couple of weeks??" I said something like, "no, you didn't ask me how long I've known him for, you asked me how long we've been dating. I've known him since i was 14 and I'm now 21". He admitted that I had him there and I had answered the question I had been asked.
He always seemed laid back, fun, attentive, reliable, funny & stable but I guess maybe they all do at first. Our first Christmas living together we're sitting at home on Christmas Eve and he looks at me and asks, "did you get yourself stocking stuffers?" I'm like no, what? Why would I buy myself stocking stuffers, did you buy stocking stuffers for yourself? No I did, is that not to be expected? A small thing really but it did make me feel unimportant, like an afterthought when he went out to CVS shortly after and picked up whatever he could find that might have seemed appropriate. From then on there was no lesson learned and the behavior continued for the next 20 years.
I found out I was pregnant with our son the end of December/Beginning of January 2004. When I finally told him, he reaction was like stone. I don't recall him saying a word and for weeks after the subject was never brought up. I spent those weeks not knowing what was going on, did he even hear me? Did he forget? Weeks later I finally had had enough and tried to talk to him, the only part of the conversation I really remember is standing in our bedroom, looking at him and telling him he was free to leave, walk away but I would not terminate my child. I had been put in this situation not more than a few years earlier where I was backed into a corner at the age of barely18 by my 26 year old boyfriend and it ended in a termination that I did not want. To this day 24 years later, I have never forgotten or forgiven myself. But that is a story for another day.
Fast forward to Mothers Day 2004. His father asked him what he got me for Mother's Day and I will never forget his response, "nothing, she's not a mother yet". Does carrying his child not make me a mother? That comment had really hurt. But the funny thing is that he got me the same thing the next year and for every year after that. Nothing was done unless I made the effort for any occasion. But I figured, hey, I'm a stay at home mom thats the way its supposed to be I guess. All I do is take care of the house and children and since he's paying for it I suppose I should be the one to do all the planning. But I never felt like I was good enough, I never did enough, no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough and he told me as such on numerous occasions. Because what I did didn't make any money, it was worthless.
I tried to go back to school a few times but since it didn't work out I was put down for making an effort because "You should know how something is going to turn out before you do it" WHAT? That didn't even make sense to me. How could ANYBODY know how something is going to turn out before? I could go on about all the instances that come to mind that should have stood out to me and I'm sure I'll write about others as time goes by and I think of them.
When I told him I was pregnant with our second child, our first daughter, who was planned by the way. I tried to make it special. It was our anniversary and I gave him a card at dinner, I don't remember all of what I wrote in it but I do remember writing something about not being able to think of a better father for our children. It was subtle, but once I was sure he understood I was telling him I was pregnant. Still NOTHING. No reaction, not even a smile. I was heartbroken. This is not how life was supposed to be, emotionless?
A lot happened in the 6-1/2 years between the birth of our 2nd and third. He completely shut everyone out. He would never participate or engage with me or the kids. He went to work, always came home incredibly late and when he was home he was always in a bad mood, snapping at me and the kids and locking himself (literally) in the basement. It got to the point where me and the kids dreaded weekends because he would be home and the energy in the house was always full of tension. He would always make excuses why he couldn't spend time with me and the kids. I'm taking the kids to the zoo or somewhere, do you want to come? No I have too much to do around the house. Ok fine, but we're still going. We get home from being out all day and he's still in bed. I wanted to leave then but what could I do? I was a stay at home mom, completely dependent on him and I didn't know what else to do and I think he knew that.
He would often yell at me that I wasn't doing enough and needed to get a job so I could contribute financially to the household. and from time to time I did pick up part time jobs mostly weekends because how was I supposed to work during the week with 2 kids at home? Sometimes I even considered looking for 3rd shift jobs but I knew I would still be expected to be up all day as well taking care of the children. But when I was working, he would always get mad at me that household duties were being neglected and I wasn't home to do certain things. When the kids we're younger, the money I made from my part time jobs usually went to buying the kids clothes, taking them to do fun things like the zoo, museums and such. to lighten the load and to not have to ask him for money or permission. When we were tight on money I began to sell anything I owned that I thought would bring a little cash so I could get or do things for my kids without feeling like I was being a drain on him.
Fast forward 6 years and I have to tell him that I'm pregnant with our 3rd child. He looked at me stone cold and I will never forget what he said to me, "As hard as you work now you better work 10 times harder". He almost completely ignored her for the first year of her life and would constantly yell at me that he was tired when I hadn't slept in months and on more than one occasion he screamed at me, in front of all the kids, that he never wanted her. And still I stayed because what choice did I have?
When our youngest was about 6 months old and we we're on our annual 4th of July camping trip we got into a huge fight. This is the first time that he screamed at me that he was tired and he never wanted her and that when we got home, we were done, we were getting divorced. I wish he'd gone through with that.
Another time, another fight, I don't remember if this was before or after our 3rd child but thinking back on it right now I'm pretty sure it was before the above incident. He threatened that if I ever left him he would make sure I was seen as an unfit mother and would never see my children again and that he would plant drugs in my possessions or something to make sure. I do not do drugs and have never so much as even had a drink around my children. In retrospect it would have been easy to disprove through drug testing and fingerprinting maybe to show that I did not do drugs and had never touched whatever he might have planted.
Our 3rd child was born in November. When she was 2 weeks old I ended up with shingles. No help from him. He never cared when I was sick. I was still expected to carry on as usual. I realize now that is probably why it always took me weeks longer than others to recover from any illness Christmas of that same year (2013) the family was coming to our house for Christmas dinner. He refused to help with the kids or even hold our 6 week old daughter so that I could cook something. His family seemed to know I'd screw it all up and it actually felt awful when they showed up with all the food. I feel guilty, like I should've felt grateful. Maybe it would have been different if rather than show up with food someone had offered to help. That was the last year I ever hosted anything. He made holidays miserable whether we were hosting or going to his families house. He would always pick fights and spend the time leading up to leaving yelling at everyone for anything he could think of. Of course it was my fault. I wasn't good enough. I didn't do enough and I was lucky to have what I did. I was lucky to have him because I was a worthless drain on my family.
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